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Lack of Control

‘Lack of Control’

My entire body was going through hell. I could not control it. So I wanted to take back some power by doing a painting that I could control every movement, colour, brush stroke and design. It was a tedious painting but I was able to apply my mind and stop focusing on how horrible I physically felt.

I had uncontrollable bouts of sweating at the most inappropriate times. I suffered electric shocks throughout my body. I was extremely agitated. Emotions came to the surface that I had suppressed with the help of my anti-depressants. I felt dizzy all the time, it felt like my brain was shaking from side to side but not hitting my skull. I felt nauseous intermittently. My mouth was sore. I was anxious all the time. Insomnia. Nightmares. Twitching and slight tremors of random parts of my body. Severe tiredness. My reaction, reflexes and responses were all delayed. My concentration levels were very poor.

After a gruelling six months or more I had undergone the worst withdrawal symptoms of my life but I was successfully no longer on antidepressants. Painting allowed me to escape the mental torment. I had found a way to express myself and fulfil my creative side.

Marie Roche